Grace Upon Grace : { Here, Now }

I've tried to write this blog SO many times because I have SO many feels in my life right now, I need an outlet to get them all out. 
* You've been warned. *

My sweet, precious Nanaw was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer a little over two months ago. 
{8 weeks, to be a little more precise.}
 And it's been a wild ride ever since. 

My grandmother has lived with my mom for 15 years, so I've been one of the fortunate souls who's lived with a grandparent. It's hard to remember life before she moved in. I just remember, when my parents were going through the divorce, Gracie was still a baby and my mom needed help raising a wild teenager {me}, an innocent little boy{Hayden}, and a sweet little baby{Gracie}. 

Josie had a large part in all of our growing up, and especially with my siblings. And, looking back, I'm blessed to have had a live-in grandmother. 

Wisdom that my mom could not provide, Nanaw Josie always did. 

Some of my fondest memories revolve around the car rides to and from school. Always telling us to mind our P's and Q's, "show your learning's", or asking us what we learned that day, and if we had a good day. She always loved to know details of our day at school. 

Since being diagnosed, she has reminded us numerous times about her long life, and how she's lived longer than most. 
84 years this past November. 
She reminds us that she is ready, and knows where she's going. 
~THIS~ truth has been comforting but also a difficult pill to swallow. 
I mean, I am SO thankful to know that I will see her in heaven one day and I am so happy that she is strong in her faith, but it just means that in order for this to come to fruition, she must leave us here on earth. And, that's hard. 

She was diagnosed in late March and she chose not to pursue any further testing or treatment. So, we just made her as comfortable as possible. We surrounded her with her favorite things: her puppies and flowers. 
All was...okay-ish. For a week. 

The ball dropped and we were sent to the hospital because the pain was just more than what we could handle at home. This was when they told us she must be pretty far along in the stages (we were unsure because she chose to not test further) and recommended hospice.
I can pin point our heartbreak to this exact moment. 

So, hospice we did. 
She was accepted into Sanctuary Hospice in Tupelo. And let me just take a moment to express how absolutely wonderful Sanctuary Hospice is. Those people are angels. My family would not have made it without the support they provided. I am forever indebted to them. 
Anyway, I wont go into details about this experience, because it was awful on my family, but she only stayed 1 night and we brought her home. She was still okay enough for us to care for her at home, with assistance from Sanctuary Home Hospice and when the time came where we couldn't care for her at home, we would go back to the house. 

Well, the time came 8 days ago.

I am so thankful that places like Sanctuary exist, and I encourage everyone to support them. I cannot think of a more worthy cause. 

So, here we are. 8 days in. Taking it one day at a time. 
Because each day that she's been at the house has been different. 
It is so hard to see God's plan in this, but I am trusting in Him to get us through. 
I am particularly praying for God to get my mom through all of this. 
She's carrying a lot on her that should be shared by her sisters, but you know, "selfishness and family" is a blog for another day. 

I'm thankful for friends who care, even though events like this show who really cares for you, and it's never as many people as you would think. 
But, still, thank you. 

Prayers for us, please. 

caitlyn.

                

Life Lately with Caitlyn.

I'm pretty much the worst blogger ever. Sorry 'bout it. 

So, life. It's a funny, fickle, crazy thing.

The past 365+ days have been nothing short of wild, and looking back, I'm truly amazed I'm still here. 

I've lost a lot, but the gain is immeasurable. 

You see, the past 365+ days have not been the easiest. I would argue that the past 8 months have been the worst of my life. I've experienced physical death of a friend, emotional death of a friend, career change, job loss and just total disregard for another human being.

FYI: you really find out who your real friends are in the midst of a storm. 

As a mid 20-something, I am feel like I'm grasping for straws for most of everything; trying to figure it out; trying to MAKE it out alive, haha. {Side note: who knows the difference in a PPO and an HMO? I'll let you know when I do} 

We talk about 'seasons of life' a lot, especially in my friend group, so I'm forced to evaluate where I am in terms of seasons. And once I do that, I try to determine, is this season almost over? Do I need to start shopping for next season? Or do I new to focus on this season? Probably need to focus on this season. {mostly because the clothes are now 60% off} But, you get my point. 

Be present. Engage in life. This is my mantra. 

There is so much I could word vomit onto here but I know I shouldn't. {because I hate confrontation} But, I will say, the beauty after the storm is far worth going through the storm for. 

So, yeah. 

New job. 

THE BEST family. 

Sweet friends. 

And so many prayers later....

I'm here and I'm happy. And so, so blessed. God knows what's best for us, even when we don't see it or want to hear it. So thankful for this truth. ❤️ 

Caitlyn

P.S.-my hair is still out of control and currently says the humidity is 1000%. So, there's that, and you're welcome. 

#24duringmy24thProject

The year of all years. 

The task of all tasks.

The blog of all blogs. 

24 friends.

12 months. 

1 hand-written letter per friend, per month. {24 letters/month} 

Unlimited bonding/growth/fun/love. 

Y'all. SO EXCITED. 

So, let's rewind to 2 months ago. 

I'm living life, loving life {as much as possible} and I just get this overwhelming need to just love on my friends. No particular reason. Just, this major emotional break. If I could, I would have hugged you. All of you. The most extravagant hug that never ends, and we both leave full and fulfilled and loved. Call me crazy. I have my moments. 

But seriously. I thought, how blessed am I to have these fantastic people in my life who kinda like me too? I mean, I'm a pretty difficult person. So, to have such am overwhelming group of friends who I have shared such intimate details about life and what I want in life and my needs and desires and my dreams and goals...gosh, I'm so blessed. 

Fast forward to:

one month, one week, 2 days later. 

July 28, 2014. 

The day that shook me to my core. 

I was just in the beginning stages of this #24duringmy24thproject, collecting addresses, getting my thoughts together on what to say, how to say it, delivery, etc. Now, initially, this was a selfish thing. This was solely for me to bond with my friends...

My sweet, precious, hilarious friend, Claire, passed away suddenly. It was a typical Mississippi Monday in July. 

Muggy and suffocatingly hot. 

I remember getting the phone call. 

It still doesn't even seem real. 

My friend Claire was one of my sweet 24. Just a few days before, she begged me to tell her what I was up to, but I kept it a secret up until the letters were mailed out. Breaks my heart that I'm not going to be able to share this with her. 

I KNOW she would have wrote me back within the first week. She always was prompt like that. :) 

The following days after Claire's passing seem like a blur. I don't remember much. Just trying to wrap my puny, simple brain around the big picture and what has just happened-the immeasurable loss we've just endured. 

Let's talk a little about my friend Claire. 

Clara, as I affectionately called her, or "Claire My Love" as she so sweetly changed her name in my phone, was 

one-of-a-kind; quite possibly the most stunningly open and Jesus-loving person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. 

To the people who didn't know Claire, my words cannot do her justice. 

Goodness. 

How I miss my friend. 

So, this project grew in meaning after losing Claire. I realized that the people in my life mean much more than what I credit them for. It's important to me that my friends understand their worth and importance in my life. 

Just like with Claire, I have immeasurable love for you guys. 

So, why 24 you ask? 

Well, I turned 24 on August 20th. 

And there's 24 hours in a day.

And it's my last year before I'm halfway to 50. (Oy vey) 

Why not? 

So. My goal with all of this is...

1: {obviously} build my relationships. Love on my friends. 

Show them their worth in my life. 

2: pray for them. 

For the next 365+ days, these specific 24 people will be prayed for every single day. 

3: 1 letter{at least} per person, per month. 

24 hand-written letters! Every single month! For a year! 

It's truly a lost art. 

SO. 

To my sweet 24: 

I cannot wait to see what this year brings. Please participate. You'll break my heart if you don't. I've even provided an email outlet for those of you who aren't fond of the ol' postal service.

{but, who doesn't get a little giddy when they get a letter in the mail?!?} 

You rock, and I cannot wait to do this with you. 

Caitlyn. 

On the road again...

I'm blogging from the road today. 

My sister has had a pretty busy summer, I must say. 

Between birthday parties to swimming parties to her birthday at the beach to weekend trips to water parks... 

We are now headed to drop her off with my Aunt and Uncle in Oklahoma for 2 weeks. I mean, the girl is living the life this summer. Why do I have to be a grownup? Oh, yeah. It's the natural progression of life. 

So, we left early this morning-fashionably late, of course. But, early nonetheless.

Grace prefers to sit in the front seat, because, I guess, the backseat is super uncool. I don't know, you'll have to ask her. So, yeah. I am blogging from the backseat of Alice the Alti. Living the life. 

Two things I've learned so far on this mini roadtrip: 

1: Oklahoma has AWFUL cell reception. 

2: I have a ton of pictures on my phone that have never seen the light of day and are so fabulous, they deserve to be shared. 

Would you like to join me on my phone purge journey? Hop on! 

This dog..... I'm slightly ashamed of my attachment to her. #puppylove 

DKTTU with these two... Gosh, so many memories! #hilarity 

FYI...I STILL can't jump rope. 

Beach lovin'...

Take me back!! 

This was good for my soul. 

Caitlyn

{life chapters: part 1}

Never more, than this chapter in my life, have I known how much I need Him.

Never before has my destiny weighed so heavily on my mind and heart. 

To be consciously aware of literally every thing in my life is because of a greater will than my own is...something that I'm still baffled by. 

So, life has been a challenge since graduating from college. Ha, 1 year ago...

Between struggling with student loan debt, working like an insane person, job hunting...it's been a challenge to keep my head above the water, to say the least. 

Now that I've completed one year as an adult, I can actually speak with conviction...it's not as great as it seems, haha! 

This year has thrown some mighty challenging stuff my way and just trying to figure out my next step has been beyond daunting. At times, it has been petrifying. And most of the time, I have not liked it. 

Okay, Story. 

So, I have a degree. An actual, 4 year degree that I'm proud of.

The job that I hold now does not require a degree, as it is entry level. At the time they offered it to me, I was willing to do anything just to get back home and away from Columbus. Mistake #1: I should have found a job that pays more than $9 an hour. Because, ya girl has a Mt. Everest of student loan debt and she likes to shop. 

But not only that----I SO desire to start my own life. Where I have my own place, with my own pup, and my own bathroom... I yearn to be able to support myself, 100%. And not depend on ANYONE. And right now, I live at home-which I am thankful that I was able to move back home...but, you know, it shouldn't be this way. 

I want to be an adult. 

Work is exactly that. I am dumbfounded on a daily basis at what I call my profession. My stress level is, most of the time, through the roof and I work insane hours, but I put my everything into my job. Even when you can't even tell. {which is most of the time}

So, in my opinion, this chapter of my life is full of lessons. Just a few...

Lesson #1: first is not always best.

Lesson #2: be grateful for any opportunity. 

Lesson #3: throw your everything into something. 

That last lesson, I am realizing the beauty and the power I have at this point in my life. I am single, untethered, and willing. I desire to find a job where I can just throw my all into. A job where I have no boundaries because of the openness I am capable of. I want to be über independent. It's gotta be out there somewhere, right? Searching...

But, throughout this year, I constantly said to myself "There's gotta be more than this..." But, really...there has got to be more to life than working. Gotta be. 

Oh, is there. 

Prayer. Relentless prayer. Realizing that I need Jesus so much, and realizing that all of this is temporary. Developing a mentality that is Christ like, and praying for the people who cause me to break. Knowing right from wrong, and making a conscious effort to do the right thing...

This is what I am working towards in my spiritual life. This, and so much more. 

I know that this is just a chapter in my life book.{gosh, I talk about chapters so much} 

And I am grateful for these trials in this chapter. Because without them, I'd be a worldly woman, with no yearning to cling to God. 

So, here's to many more chapters that have been written and just not read... 

Next chapter, please.

Caitlyn 

#PrayForTupelo

Dearest blogosphere...

Let me just say, my absence was not by choice. 

Work has LITERALLY taken over my life. 

It's LITERALLY all that I do. 

Ask my family and friends, who I never see. 

I digress. 

Tonight, as I was having a deep text convo with my Best, I was just overwhelmed by God's grace. Just completely and utterly in awe of the crazy, insane blessings in my life. 

This past week has been one for the books, let me tell you. 

If you haven't heard by now, Tupelo, which is where I travel to for work, was hit by an EF3 tornado on Monday, April 28.

Almost one week ago. 

God was really watching over me and my coworkers. The devastation starts less than a half mile from my work, on either sides of me. 

Monday was insane. That's the only word that I can think of to describe that day. 

Y'all, Tupelo is as much of my home as Pontotoc is. I mean, the majority of my time is spent in Tupelo. And, seeing it just become transformed into this brutally unrecognizable war zone and seeing people just jumping up to help is incredible.  INCREDIBLE. I serve an awesome God, who is greater than anything I could every imagine. I just can't even wrap my mind around Him. 

I am beyond blessed. 

By my community. 

By my awesome, awesome friends who called and texted me to see if I needed anything. 

By my family who prayed relentlessly for my safety.

By calming coworkers. 

By still having a place to come home to.

Y'all. Just so blessed. 

So, that was MONDAY. 

Later in the week, I was gifted with a rather joyous and unexpected phone call. 

I can't divulge details at this moment but this girl=sooooo happy. I wish that I could spill more but, I haven't gotten the O.K. from the source yet. :) Soon, I hope! 

If you know me, you know what I hold near and dear to my heart. And this news is definitely what I needed to hear after a whirlwind of a week. 

I am so blessed. 

And overwhelmed. 

And feeling very much like I have the weight of 7 tons on my shoulders.   

But, blessed. 

#PrayForTupelo and the other communities that were affected. 

Pictures do not do it justice.  

 

                               Caitlyn

{The Man of My Dreams}

Hey, Blogville! 

I cannot wait to get this post up. 

FYI, it's a revelation for me. 

Let me preface this with, as a young adult, I'm soul searching. I'm trying to find my place and who I am as a person. I've had countless convos with my Best about being the minority in our group of friends. 

{single. educated. driven. childless.} 

We basically concluded that it's not in the books for us to be married right now so we are making the most of our time as single adults. 

{Focusing on our careers, 

Focusing on our families, 

Focusing on our place in society...}

When I am exhausted, I have strange, strange dreams. And this past week was a beating. Whew. {glad it's over} 

So, factor in: 

exhaustion+1868 friends getting married/announcing that they are preggo=crazy vivid dreams. 

The hilarity. 

"The Man of My Dreams". 

We've all heard it before. But, who really has dreamt about the man they want to marry? 

I never have. And I'm a hopeless romantic who loves a good romcom. 

{Pretty in Pink, anyone?!}

Until last night. 

Y'all. I literally woke up so sick and so sad that this wasn't real. Never in my life have I had such emotions about a DREAM. It was perfection. I told Lauren, I wish I could send you my brain so that you could swoon about my dream too! 

It was my wedding day. And I'm assuming that I've never met this man because I don't recognize him. I do know his name, though. And he was gorgeous. 

Cole. {it was so vivid, y'all!}

And for whatever reason, I didn't have any bridesmaids. I was alone, in a back room, in my white dress. My makeup was flawless. My curls were perfect. I loved my dress. I felt so pretty. I was waiting until it was time to walk out. My soon-to-be husband formed a choir to sing for me that was made up of our friends. I remember hearing them sing a Jon McLaughlin song before I came out. Right before it was time for me to walk out, my Best appears behind me. She takes me behind the choir and we sit and talk about how this is really happening and how crazy life is. I felt so happy and content in this moment. It was then time for me to walk to my groom. I walk out of the side and everyone is looking in my direction. I am walking alone, feeling so much love as I walk through the choir of friends. My soon-to-be husband meets me halfway down the aisle and we walk to the alter together from there. 

I felt precious, loved, content, happy....

Nothing I have experienced comes close to how I woke up feeling. I have to hope and pray that this is what it's going to feel like when I am blessed with a man. 

It was beautiful. I cannot put into words how I felt. Just, so beautiful. 

I sure do hope dreams are somehow correlated into reality. Because, I want that dream to be my reality. 

Swoon. 

Off to dream again...

Caitlyn